a souvenir for you!
friends, mutuals and sites i just plain like! click to visit them :)
hauntberri
liquidspace
OOOO shiny new layout!!! not sure how i feel about a big wall of text- its 100% easier to update however not sure if it's super readable.... maybe if i change the color of the date text.... idk! let me know your thoughts please, this is very much a work in progress hahaha
also, please let me know if the gifs on the side are annyoing! i try to keep the motion to the minimum as it messes with my eyes...
i've been seeing a lot of this "the internet used to be a place" sentiment lately. sarah davis baker is a great videoessayist!! i've been wanting to get back to that feeling... the internet Living Somewhere that i can come to and then leave and the internet won't follow me. i've deleted instagram from my phone - thats where my friends get into contact with one another, party groupchats, asking if your free to hang out, sending a video of Your Animal because thats the animal they know you like best as a little "i'm thinking of you! look! this is your favorite! hello!", etc. - and it rules. (it's like going cold turkey on weed or cigarettes. no screentime alert tapering- just get the pack soaking wet then throw it in the dumpster. i am never able to quit if i taper off- cigarettetes, vaping, weed or scrolling.) when i feel i have some downtime to spare, i go to instagram.com on my laptop or pc to see what people have sent me and then i'm done. it feels very much like neocities and the forums i used to roleplay on as a kid- the nature of it is slow and uninstant. i appreciate that very much. if my friends have to contact me Right This Instant they can call me. otherwise it can wait and it will all be ok! nobody will die because i don't see that funny video. this is a lesson i am internalizing. i'm not telling anyone i dislike them because i am not constantly on my phone. this also eleminates The Scroll because the one thing stronger than my ability to mindlessly scroll is my self awareness that scrolling instagram reels on your macbook is horrifingly embarassing even if nobody is watching. in this regard i am thankful for my invisable audience.
yesterday i got my hair cut and it wasn't with the usual family friend that does it. i can deal with that, it's not so big a change in routine that i'd freak out about it or anything but it did make me nervous. haircuts are such a weird social situation to find yourself in: what do i talk about? are they telling me they dont want to talk at all? what's a good and light thing to talk about? when do i stop talking? so many questions... this isn't a script-able series of interactions (at least it isn't for me.. i'm sure some people do it but there's too many branching paths to make it something appealing to me) so i find it really uncomfortable. doctors ask you why you're there, you tell them all the relevant information, they ask some more questions that you will answer and then they give you a treatment plan. same thing with a lot of interactions: you greet them, they ask what you want/you say what you want/you put the stuff you wanna buy on the counter, they make their move, you say thank you and leave. but good lord why do i have to go on a first date with the person cutting my hair!!!! i don't mean this in a "im above having a conversation with you" way, i mean it like... i dont know man i did the inital script! what else is there to do!! when this happens i try to get them talking about something they like (all through the first little bit, when i have conversation mask on i am looking for things to ask them about) so all i have to do is nod, smile and interject when i need to (this is a lesson i learned from a good friend, thank you W!) but this person was so hard to get talking about anything... now that i think about it, maybe they didn't want to talk either haha!!
yesterday afternoon wasn't horrible though because my mom opened the floodgates on my special interest in christian denominations and their differences (she said she thought a cathedral i recognized by sight was baptist..... how silly) and she was genuinley interested!! so i talked about the differences between catholocism and protestantism (and how protestant is like an umbrella term?? she didn't know that... perfect info dump receptical LOL) for like 25 minutes on the way home. it was awesome lmao
because of my cold turkey quitting of scrolling, i've been reading a lot recently. i started Convenience Store Woman while i was waiting for my mom's harcut to be done. i finished it this afternoon- it's so good! though i have No Idea where people got the impression that it's scary or sad. well it is sad and scary but people misplace those feelings i think. the main character's life isn't bad! she's a lady who loves working at the convenience store!! she doesn't have to Aspire To Do More or whatever- she's happy doing her thing. i wont spoil here, but i got scared when she got scared, agitated when she was. i wasn't freaked out by her the way i see Discourse online being freaked out by her. it's so silly that people are so quick to tell a character what would Really make her happy when the whole idea of the book is that only you know what will make you happy and anyone who's trying to force you into a mold can go fuck themselves. also shes 100% autistic and so is the author bc it's semiautobiograpical so shes even more Just Like Me. also saying that an MC based on the author is freaky and scary and weird or whatever is INSANE i saw someone say shes a "psychopath" because she has "no empathy" WHICH!! OK!!! i will not spoil but i think this is about the bird oh my goddddd she was thinking literally and pragmatically same thing with breaking up the fight dude shes just autistic!!!!!!!!!! and she was a kid!!! anyways i have this notes app list of "Characters I Literally Am" (maybe i'll share it someday) and shes definitely on there LOL
i guess maybe you can tell that i'm feeling much better than before!! i attribute that to kicking nicotine (for like. the 4th time) and getting off my phone. it really was that damn phone... anywho i hope you all are taking care!! have fun with this last little bit of summer, ok?
hello! been a while since i've written and im sorry for that!! i've honestly had a rough time recently- nothing special, i've just been in a funk. i wrote in my notes app because writing with a pen felt daunting!! sounds silly but whatever gets me writing i guess. i'll share some later in the entry. today, i didn't leave the house. i don't leave the house much these days honestly. no job no school will do that to you! my lack of dicipline irritates. anyways, today i read some of my current book out in the late afternoon sun and a neighborhood cat said hello! i put my book to the side and spent like 2 hours following her around my yard. i ate all the ripe blackberries and picked some cherry tomatoes and spent a lot of our time together laying 10 feet apart in the sun. it felt awesome. i felt jealous of her being a cat and then i felt silly, but those feelings of jealousy are rooted in something deeper i think. she has the freedom to roam around and no fear of the future or school or work or job applications you don't even get the dignity of a rejection email from. i wish i lived her life even for a day. maybe i'll live a life like hers in that hopeful future i wrote about.
july 16 @10:45pm
i love my dad. i love when he talks about his childhood, how ever hard it is to imagine him at 7 years old politley asking the old ladies for bottles and cans or riding his bike he got from his grandma. it makes me teary when my parents remind me of their childhoods. i wonder, if i ever have kids, if my children will find it hard to pictire me as a girl. it makes me cry, not in a sad or happy way, but because it's so overwhelming in a completley neutral way. it's just a wow that only comes out in tears: that's the only way i can communicate how amazed i am. i think if we were kids together, my parents and i would be friends. maybe we were at one point. maybe siblings. we butt heads but i am very lucky to be their kid. tonight i love living.
august 3 @11:27pm (notes app)
i am thankful even when i feel like shit even when i'm anxious and when i'm sad because what a joy it is to feel anything at all! i get to move and talk to people and read and play video games and, yes, i feel bad but also i feel happy and anxious and nervous and everything else. life is good even when it's bad because of course it is! i am having such early 20's problems and i know when i'm older i'll miss this time in my life so i might as well let myself roll around in the mud.
august 6 @8:01pm (notes app, coming home from a walk)
there truly is nothing like a sweaty, humid Feeling Sorry For Yourself Walk. i'm on the corner of X and Y now, sitting. i'm drinking a raspberry iced tea Brisk. i feel like a bad person.
phew im glad im at least partly over that.. whatever that was lol. i'm now realizing that i missed jumeberry's birthday!!! she was born on the 2nd. happy birthday little lady!!! here's to many more years, if i have the dicipline to keep coming back! (i believe i will)
tomorrow is 1 year since my dog died. juneberry and neocities as a whole helped me a ton with distracting myself from my grief. it's weird, i'm at the same time identical and totally different from who i was back then. i think i've become a better and more self assured person in the year since, and i hope every august 10 i am more and more fufilled.
i'm visiting a volunteer friend's church tomorrow with my mom! the plan at first was to bring a friend of mine that i've been visiting different churches with but i asked my mom and she was down and he's dealing with his personal issues. i'm excited to see her (other volunteer, gonna call her S for the sake of this diary entry lol)!! S and her husband are family friends at this point, shes kinda like a grandma to me- a good one, i didn't grow up with one of those haha. mom is also exicited because a lady she volunteered with before i got involved goes to their church too!! i guess she took a step back for whatever reason.
ok long ass entry that took way too long to come out!!! hope you all are safe and taking care of yourself!! love you :)
PS: i'm gonna work on the music collection page tomorrow- its gonna be a rough draft but there will be work done because i've been putting it off. holding myself to this!!
i've been writing in my diary a lot recently. like 3 pages a day over the course of the day kind of a lot. i put all my anxieties, things that make me mad, my hopes for the future in there. i went on a really horrible ugly mean rant in there the other day. you should get on your diary writing shit: it always makes me feel better. i've not had much energy or honestly desire to write here. the idea of typing what i've written sucks. but i'll do it. i'm not afraid of it, it just seems like a chore!! but i'll do it!! these are some chunks from recently.
tuesday, july 1 @ 4:19pm:
it's hard to care about your future when it's not a garuntee you'll see 23 let alone 60!! i know a better world is possible and i can live in it, we all can. a world without landlords and bosses and cops and presidents and leeches. i can write and swim and care for children without worrying about rent or affording food. we won't move so fast, and we'll respect and care for the old. we'll eat real food and drink clean water. we'll keep each other safe, clothed, warm and fed because we know everyone is a human person deserving of respect. i know that wold is possible, i can almost taste it, but it's something we have to fight for. i can't let myself be apathetic for too long. you can trip and fall but always get up because if not you, who? i hope my words will be read in this better wold and i hope you'll see me as overselling how evil this moment is and i hope i can laugh and tell you that yeah, it's all true, but we won. we won't ever have to worry about this evil ever again. i hope i'm old.
i'm going to walk to XXXX and XXXXXX's place. i hope they're old with me. wouldn't that be funny? i hope we're cute old people. we will get old. ancient, even. like one wrong breeze and we'll turn to dust, haha. we'll make it, and we'll see this world i only dream of now at 22.
tuesday, july 1 @ 10:25pm:
walked to and from XXXX and XXXXXX's today. i love TOWN I LIVE IN. this time in my life has got me feeling very close to my childhood. it's like this thing i've seen of age as a spiral, not a line. i contain every age i've ever been; she's always there + making me feel shit.
thursday, july 3 @ 10:19pm:
the bill passed. told mom to put my gold star in the kitchen window above the sink. she doesn't appreciate my humor. it's how i deal. i'm afraid to die, honestly. i just want a view, you know? the kitchen window has a nice view.
friday, july 4 @ 1:15pm:
the raspberry place is closed for the holiday. i hesitated writing holiday. i wanted to put quotation marks around it, write it all slanted and sarcastic. but it is a holiday today. just not my holiday. not our holiday. ...(sorry this is so janky i couldn't keep it in and also not tell you where im going lol)... in TOWN at the EVENT, and i will have to perform patriotism. i will have to act like i am not, actually, disgusted by the flags those girls will carry around... that i, truly, do feel patriotic and loyal to this country. that i do, honestly, think this is God's country, and that He has one and it's this one. it's set apart and blessed. but it's not- He doesn't love nations, he loves people. people this country bombs to oblivion, people who just got kicked off medicaid, people who don't realize they're on medicaid becuase in oregon it's called OHP, he loves the homeless in Big Scary CITY that the people at EVENT won't ever set foot in without a gun. He loves us all. which is something i cannot fathom. how?? how can You love us when we do this to each other??? ... There's still hope for america, i think. at least for the people of america. if i didn't think so i wouldn't be writing pages every day about her. ... last night i prayed my rosary (my anglican one lol) for the immortal souls of those people in control. and not my normal once around- i prayed the 3 times around deal (for the trinity lol) because i figured they need it. i prayed they'd never see hell or experience the eternal separation from Love that is there. it felt weird at first but it got to a point that i had to force myself to stop for the night. God have mercy on them, they know what they're doing but please forgive them anyways. because i love them: i love my enemy. we are told to pray for those that persecute us so i will. He's the only king i have. the only thing that matters. Love is the only thing that matters.
ok you'll forgive my emo/overzealous posting i hope haha!! i also hope the big X's and TOWN NAME's weren't too distracting- i have to censor my diary writing if i wanna put it up here. i'm sure oregonians know what i'm talking about anyways, but i gotta try to be a little anonymous LOL. but yeah, get on your diary grind and post it online if you want, or keep it really close to your chest and locked up under your pillow. it's your diary! i'm just telling you to have one. it helps you figure stuff out.
today was my birthday!! i spent the day at a volunteer training for my summer camp thingy. i had dinner with my parents and friend last night so i didn't do nothing for it. i am enjoying my summer break very much!!! i'm getting a job working with my dad in an HVAC warehouse lol boring and not in my field but what can you do i guess.
i'm currently playing date everything, i won't write any more on that to spare myself the embarassment LOL i'm also slowly taking little bites of DR chapter 4... oh so yummy i love lore
i'm putting out the update right now because i figure if i don't now i probably never will. there will always be something i think needs polishing before it's Ready yk so as a birthday present for myself i'm letting go of perfectionism and showing you!! i hope you hold it gently and are kind!! i worked hard and i hope it shows :P
war is evil and i don't want to talk much on that front, again (i sound like a broken record at this point lol) yall know my politics.
hi!!
oh goodness where do i start haha... im done with finals finally!! i got done with my last test of the school year at like 2:30 this afternoon (i got an 88% it just got graded haha). my essays went well too... im very happy to be done with school for the summer.
yall know my politics at this point id hope so my take on whats happening on in LA isn't hard to figure out. solidarity forever with everyone fighting back against ICE kidnapping their neighbors!! you know that lenin (?) quote where he says there's decades where a week's worth of events happen and there are weeks where decades happen? this feels like a decade week. there have been a lot of decade weeks in the last 5-10 years and they're getting closer together. i dont wanna LARP but something something the old world is dying and the new world struggles to be born bla bla bla i love the second ammendment idk... be safe and be smart. i was talking to a friend of mine today and we came to the same general thing: you can't be a christian and a cop/conservative/fascist. you either serve god or the state, and i will choose god every single time. if someone is a cop they serve the state, and no amount of cross necklaces and megachurch attendance can change that. quit your job!!!
anywho!! LOL
because it's summer, i'll have a lot more time to work on the site and do whatever i want (unemployment RULES) so i anticipate putting this big refresh up decently soon.... i want to do it before my birthday on the 21st so pretty soon!! i'm very excited, this has been something i've wanted to do since i started- making my own site from scratch (with some youtube tutorials thrown in). ALSO!!! im able to play deltarune now!! i played through chapter 1 and most of chapter 2 last week - only after working all day on my finals i promise - so i'll be able to play 3 and 4 soon!!! so excited!!
today was fun!! i'm finally over my cold!! i got my period while i was sick too.... i have a lingering cough though sadly. i did some homework and went to baseball!! it was AWESOME, i like practicing just to have fun- the pressure of a looming game or meet really sucks the fun out of sports for me. everyone is very kind!! i didn't dress right- i didn't think we'd be so active!! i underestimated the club haha. the club president told me i have an arm cannon LOL i'm proud of myself (id hope so haha i was a deep end goalie for water polo!! this is also probably why my throwing form is cheeks... you have to throw higher than 'normal' in water polo because you catch one handed and dry). i haven't had the time to update recently... I'M SO READY TO BE ON SUMMER BREAK!!!! I HATE SPRING TERM FINALS!!!!
uhh yeah i have like 3 essays a presentation and a big final to work on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm not freaking or anything haha i'm good!!! ghjfjhgfdjksahfldla i just wanna be done dude
oh also i got in my program we are so back i just have to talk to my advisor about what classes to take next term B) at least that's some good news
people ask me all the time if i ever get presents from the crows and im always like nah not yet but ihope they'll give me something cool like coins or whatever.... they gave me my first present the other day. it was a rotting rib bone from someone's cookout or something. thanks!! i think they were trying to feed me like i feed them so it's the thought that counts i guess..... LOL
final little topic: new pope?? he's american??? interesting!! he seems like a good person and his personal politics are agreeable to me (i'd love a communist woke pope that says gay marriage is sacrimental and whatever but the RCC takes eons to change even small stuff so he's the best we'd get) so i'm not upset. saw somewhere that he wants to excommunicate (RUMOR) catholics in the current admin which. is so funny. idk how i feel about that on principal but its kind of a funny idea. fuck JD vance man
i had a good day today. i didn't do really any homework lol... i did do a lot of cleaning though!! i washed my sheets, did a big water change for my snails (i have a LOT of snails in my tank lol... i might make it an entirely snail focused ecosystem when i get around to doing that) and i cleaned the kitchen and bathroom! i'm glad i chose to take a day to not do any school work. this week was light on work anyways so it fit to not do much haha. i got to see my grandma yesterday! she's catholic so she's pretty upset about the death of the pope. i am too! he was a great man.
that brings me to a topic i haven't brought up here!! (sorry everything is always so unstructured. i don't plan what i'm going to talk about here- this i stream of conciousness!!) i really hate the idea that faith isn't for queer people or that we have to hate that aspect of ourselves in order to be religious. i'm religious AND im queer- i don't hate that part of myself!! that's how God made me. if he didn't want be to be gay he would have made me straight- end of. funnily enough a few instagram accounts were major factors in my coming back to religion (and not hating my queerness):
so yeah!! i won't ever be pushy to anyone online or irl- i think that's weird. i'm also not going to talk about it on here outside of passing comments (like how i'm visiting an orthodox church with my friend soon! and i'm excited!) because i also think that's weird. i don't like to talk about personal topics like that unless i'm asked (its the cradle catholic influence fr... haha).
weather was really good today! i spend some time outside with the crows- they're very talkative now. the other day while i was drinking my coffee one of them (big man- i don't know if i've told you their names. big man, little man and jane) perched himself on a railing and cawed at me until i came out to give him his peanuts!! i've created a monster... an entitiled crow monster.....
i hope you all had a good May Day! i saw the tail end of one of many rallies that happened in my city on the way to class yesterday- it felt great seeing people come out loudly for the workers' holiday. really cool, though i'm sad i couldn't go to the rally proper hahah
today i really sat down and worked for a while on the new layout and updating.... woth it but my back and neck hurt LOL
as i wrote in my last entry, i took my human development / psychology midterm on tuesday!! as i got out of the classroom i saw a kid just chilling outside at a desk eating a cafeteria hot chicken sandwitch hahah his caregiver came to get him so he wasn't just left there, but it was really weird because i thought to myself "hey!! i just took a test on your brain and how it's changed since you were born!! have fun finishing up erikson's second stage lil man!!"
hello!
life has been boring recently ngl hahahaha... here's a list of stuff that's happened in the past month or so (no particular order):
so yeah pretty uneventful- there spans of time where literally nothing happened and weeks where i barely got my work done on time because i was So Social hahaha.... a lot of my hobbies are Alone things and i don't mind, but i miss my brother!! he's going camping this weekend but i'll see him and his roomie next week i believe :)
sorry for being so MIA recently.. and sorry for abusing the blog function of neocities LOL- i usually pop in to see other sites on my laptop and i HATE working on juneberry without a second monitor so i can only say hi with a status update. hope it doesn't get annoying!!
hope yall are well! when i have more time (after june 16/finals) i will try to spend more time on the site- MO and severance infodumps/rants incoming i believe.. i have so many thoughts on the family dynamics and parenting abuse cycles because of my interest/background in child psych/development!! and i will finally fill out my physical music page....... more Autism Pages to come i promise
ok good night love you all- be good and be safe
uhh hi lol i don't know what to write but i felt the need. i am working on a new layout because i finally sat down with a youtube tutorial to learn!!! so keep an eye out!! i'm on spring break so i'll have a lot of time on my hands (i'm a homebody lol) to work on the site. i got rejected for a summer teaching assistant job and i'm trying to stay positive about it lol.. might have something to do with the fact that im on my period at the moment hahaha, there's always another job to apply to!! i don't wanna be unemployed this summer!! fuck food service man... i'll apply at some daycare i guess. anyways. i'm going to read House of Leaves and play a ton of pokemon black and also see my friends and brother!!
i think i just wanted to say hello and say i'm still around and working hard on the site lol!! i hope you are doing well, considering the Current State of Everything. i find it important to look for things in the future i'm excited to see!! like the wh update in april cringe but i'm excited!! so much lore and i think the Story and Themes are important to tell and talk about...
ok that's enough talking at you!! have a good springtime and be kind to people!! i will see you! eventually!
never kill yourself you might be having a really bad day that gets completely 180 spun by a pretty girl after class!! lol i am serious!!! my day was cheeks (interview made me anxious, bad hair day, bus was late and crammed, i was late to class, and the people there were annoying) but i had a 10 minute conversation after class and!!! i am so happy!!!!!!!! who cares i was late she told me she hopes my day gets better!!!!!!!!!! OK!!!!!!!!!! it's better now!! thank you!!
i like the little look of recognition between queer people we do- at least that's how i interpret it. for one split second you get me and i get you- partlu. you recognize me!!!!!!! hello!!!!!!! i'm like you!!! i love you and i know what it's like!!! you're not the only freak!! this often happens on the bus. they'll get on and i look up from whatever i'm looking at and we'll make eye contact: no smile or specific look, but i feel them acknowledging me and i try to show that i acknowledge them too. idk i could be reading too much into this, it just feels good to think you know someone knows you for a split second.
I FUCKING LOVE THE BUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i could write her a love letter... something something ellis island (poor tired hungry sick huddled masses etc.) way over yonder by carole king is about a bus IDK
i hope you had a good valentines day! i'm single at the moment so i spent the day with my parents hahaha (not as lonely as it sounds i promise). i deep cleaned my room today!! it feels good. i regret that i haven't talked here much... school is hard and we're rapidly nearing finals week- i have a massive essay due in a month or so. it's also been very cold and snowy and that weather makes me sleepy/unmotovated...i had an interview yesterday for a job i'm very excited for!!!!! it's a summer school/camp thing for a local school :P
in unfiction news (lame i know) the WH spring update is coming soon i think???? the site is down which is always a good sign LOL. i'm excited for new lore to knock around in my brain for a few months.
i've been an early to mid 2025 deltarune chapters 3+4 release truther for a while now so i'm looking forward to being smug in a few months haha
playing pokemon black right now- very nostalgic. it was my first game in the series (and imo one of if not best). i've been making this drink for cozy evenings: put a few spoonfuls of honey and a couple dashes of cinnamon in a mug, fill the mug up half way with hot water and stir, fill the mug the rest of the way with milk. very yummy! i think it's from Ponyo? haven't seen it in a long time so idk lol
i hope you all have been doing well! i will be working on my CD/record/tape collection page! soon!! might also make more infodump-y pages... i need more places to yell about thinkgs i like lmao
i miss marley. when it would snow, we'd run around and i'd get tired but he'd keep running around me in a circle- i would think to myself, "this must be how a deer feels when she's being hunted." sometimes my dad comes home and 'talks to him' like he's here. i wonder sometimes if that's how he'd grieve me, if i died young. then i get sad haha. he was so orange in the snow. little mango.
(berry emo posting from the bus YAYYY lol)
thinking a lot about how people/things/times/etc. we've lost stick around in us. i have a deep craving to go to the senior prom i never got. i still half expect marley to bark at me when i come home from class. i use glass nail files because my grandma did. i swam in high school because i told my (now dead lol) friend i would. i do makeup and wear my clothes the same way my high school best friend i fell out of contact with showed me to.
my high school best friend is a devout catholic trump supporter who dresses like a kid for her old man looking 20 something boyfriend. i wonder what she thinks of me- if she thinks of me at all. she must be disappointed. she might wonder what her life could have been if i texted her back that june, about our essay. i wonder if shes ashamed of herself or of me or of our more-than-friends-not-quite-dating thing we had going for like 5 years. i wonder if she knows, deep down. i loved her and i think she loved me, too
i wonder, a lot, B.
the last two entries were written while i was on the bus those days. i've been re watching twin peaks as i said- im making a timeline of events too. i didn't realize until half way through season 1 my first watch that most episodes are 1 day with the exception of a few (like starting monday evening and going into saturday mornig or something). i'm much more interested in how things unfolded and why. i was a csa victim as a kid and i think that's why twin peaks and especially laura palmer's story resonates so deeply with me. i don't have a lot of time to watch now that i'm back in class lol. i have mondays off though so maybe that will be my dedicated twin peaks watch days. i didn't get re watching a show or movie over and over again until i came to twin peaks. it's comforting and i want to spend more time there, with agent cooper, audrey, hawk, andy, big ed, lucy, everyone in town is so comfortable to me- even though they all had a hand in allowing laura to go down the road she did (i guess other than cooper?). twin peaks reminds me of home. it's just a very long drive up north away. it's one of my life goals to go up there. i'd like to move there, but to the 1980's version of north bend. it looks like where my grandma lived, and the people remind me of my family.
i'm on xiaohongshu now, considering the TT ban is in effect (for the time being, trump will swoop in to Save The Day and aquire more of the Youth vote, this was the plan the entire time). i have a very kind friend from Guandong who has been living in SF for the past 2 years and is moving north to oregon soon-ish. the cultural exchange here is fantastic and i hope americans stick around for the most part. it's very fun.
anyways, i hope you're all doing well. especially in the parts of the country effected by fires and the cold front, i think of you often. i think i'm going to keep writing on the bus in my notes app then updating the site when i feel like it. again, i hope you're well and i hope you have fun this week.
dont forget to meditate at 12 noon PST tomorrow (1/20) for mr lynch's birthday!!
david lynch died today. this was the first time i've cried at a Celebrity Death. i will be re watching the entirety of twin peaks (including FWWM and maybe even reading the books??) and listening to the soundtracks of all his works as tributes to him.
i'm bored and things feel unreal lately. i want to say hello to a stranger, ask what they're reading on the bus, how their day was, hit someone, yell at them, anything. it's like when a bored dog chews uphis tail. i feel like audrey horne. public transportation feels like just waking up, or right before you fall asleep.
when i think of twin peaks i am reminded of a memory from october 2020. i had a """crush""" on this boy (he was giving me attention) and i was just starting to watch season one. i felt connected to laura palmer in a way i couldn't quite place (this was before the Big Reveal). we went to bald peak and i forced him to play the whole opening theme as he drove me all the way down the mountain and back to my house. we stopped talking a little after that- around halloween. that's another story haha. i dont think he found that part of me fuckable.
i think i write some of my most Real Me Diary Entries on the bus. it feels unreal here and i think that helps!
today i put a lot of lotion on my hands, and i put on nail oil. didn't realize how dry i was. i am a raisin!
i realize this is a different voice than i put out there normally. I guess this is like. a mask slipping? berry isn't me, she's a character i play online, which i think is true fo reveryone, neocities nerd or no. i hope you enjoy this insight and my little change of voice, haha. this isn't indicative of something wrong, playing an explicit Character is just boring and honestly more work than i care to do anymore. i also don't have a personal voice. sometimes i Type Like Berry and sometimes i type like a completely different person. i have a lot of characters i play. i'm a different person from class to class, person to person, building to building. the pigeons at my bus stop know a completely different version of me than the crows at my house do. but it's all me. no one person can know another person in their fullness. you can't even know yourself 100%. which is okay. our peanut brains can't handle it all!
i am very normal about people liking me. i do not feel like i have to force others to enjoy being around me. i don't care if others dislike me. i don't worry about meaningless interactions. i do not turn over stones in my mind that should not be turned over. (affermations)
wow its already 2025! i remember in kindergarten finding out i'd graduate high school in 2021 and not believing that year would ever come lol. i had a nice winter break, the little parties my friends and i had were really fun (and went better than i expected haha) and i've been relaxing a lot. i start school on tuesday.......... kinda excited and ready to go back to class but i also really dont want to. i'm bored out of my mind but i burn out so easily and have no social life when classes are on. idk. last year i wasn't able to work because i was taking care of my dog, so i'm also really hurting for money lol. i applied to a few summer childcare jobs so fingers crossed.
sorry this is probably a really boring little update!!! i don't feel up to much of anything recently (i'm alright, wintertime makes me tired) but i wanted to do something here. one of my goals for this year is to update once a week, even if it's just a small thing.
anyways, i hope yall had a good holiday season and that you're resting when you need to. happy new year 2025!!
i'm on winter break now!!! very happy to be done with the term lol... i got good grades though which i'm obviously very happy with hahaha. im also caught up with the dandadan manga!! its so good i reccomend highly. updates every monday and the anime comes out every thursday, so no content drought lol. idk if yall fuck with deltarune/undertale like me but we're 100% getting chapter 3 and 4 in 2025 which im very excited for!!! so much cool stuff coming im sure.
obviously a lot has happened since the election - it feels like a year has passed in less than 2 months. you know how i feel about luigi probably, so i don't need to type that out. in my personal life a lot has happened too, all good. i got all a's on my finals (2 100%'s!!! and a 90 on my spanish final :P) and i celebrated my good friend's birthday at a club!! was my first time at a club so i was kinda nervous ngl, but it worked out and it was very fun!! there's a christmas/winter holiday party coming up for me too and we're doing a secret santa!! i don't have much money so i hope i can find good cheap presents.
maybe tmi but i had my first pap smear/pelvic exam the other day. it was really scary going into it and obviously it was physically uncomfortable, but it wasn't as bad as i thought. i have some trauma around that part of my body and some of the things they have to do brought some hard feelings and memories back up, but im proud of my ability to power though haha. it's very important to get your cancer screenings and regular exams!! i'm also back on birth control starting soon (you start taking the pill on your last day of your period) so hopefully i don't get pregnant LOL.
anyways, im still alive and kicking!! i expect to have more stuff coming eventually, probably before the end of my break. if im being honest i havent thought of the site in a while- there was so much on my plate as you can imagine haha. im in the beginning stages of transitioning to a new look made by teppys layouts!! idk why i talk at length about my plans as theres like nobody watching lol. not thats a bad thing- i think if i had an audience id be too nervous to do anything!! i'm thankful for every guestbook message i get though. i like knowing at least a few people find my site interesting if only for a few minutes. thank you if you're reading this!! please don't be shy to comment lol nobody but me is reading hahaha
the weather is Very Oregon, reallly rainy and windy. perfect nap weather! i hope you are taking it easy and being kind to yourself
hi-
i'm not going to lie to myself or to you: i am scared for my future and the futures of my friends. i'm a 21 year old lesbian in america, in higher education to become an elementary school teacher. i want to get married, not to a man. if i have to get an abortion, i want one. i need fafsa to keep going to school, and i don't want to live in a world without title 9 or IEPs or 404 plans and more that will go away with the department of education. 99% of my friends are queer- trans women, gay men and women, non binary people. a good chunk are people of color, too. i am scared for their futures more than mine, if i'm honest. i worry about money for diy hormones and name and gender marker changes, for people that will never come out at least in the near future, for people that will be forced back into the closet, for my friends with immigrant parents and birthright citizenship, for the children i work with in the foster system, for my future students. it's easy to fall into a dark pit and wallow. in a way it's comfortable to want to give up. its feels like we are more done than ever, with an entirely red government free of checks and balances. i wonder if this is what roman citizens felt when nero came to power, lol.
BUT. i am also optimistic. there's this concept called "revolutionary optimism" - this is not huffing copium or expecting the best outcome possible all of the time. it is to understand and truly belive that we will make it, and a better world is possible. to me, being revolutionarily optimistic means being like a cockroach. cockroaches are seemingly the most hardy creatures out there. it's really fucking hard to kill a cockroach and when you do kill one, it seems like 15 more come out. cockroaches will be here as long as the earth is here, and so will trans people, so will gay people, so will non white people, so will women, and so will the working people. like i said, i am scared. but i am not so scared that i will not fight for myself and for my friends.
i'm not sure what else to say. keep your head up, do not kill yourself - you deserve to live to see trump die, and you deserve to live more than jd vance does. don't let this moment lead you to dispair, let it radicalize you. build community with the people around you in real life. i love you and please feel free to contact me.
be safe out there, friends
i'm almost done with the 3rd week of the term!! camping went really well and it was super fun but if i'm being honest it did throw me off with school lol. but class is going quite well all things considered. wednesdays are sooo long for me- 11:30-1:30 and then a 4:30-8:30 zoom class :( i'll deal with it thouth haha i'm just being dramatic. i'm also coming down with a cold too!!!
one of my friends is wingman-ing for me... its embarassing but we're both. not good at being brave LOL... i promise i'm trying!!
the buttons page is up!! i tried to keep bright flashing stuff to a minumum as i have very sensitive eyes and i get the struggle lol. if anything causes eyestrain or something please lmk i want the site to be as accessable as i can make it!! it's not offically done so it's not anywhere else haha still needs finishing touches, you get it. i'm trying to be patient with myself, i want to get everything done ASAP but most of the time i make better work when my ideas have time to marinate and bounce around in my head. this applies to all work i do lol
this entry is quite small and if i'm being honest, lacking in substance lol.. i don't have a lot of free time anymore but i wanted to do some work and throw this up to confirm i am yet again Still Alive!
i hope yall have a good rest of the week! i'll see you next time!
i had my first day of classes today!!!! obviously today was more of an intro day but in college they get started with content early... we just jumped into spanish lol. not a bad thing but it just always catches me off guard. i'm in 203 so this term is my last required for my BA. i want to keep with it because i really like the people i'm in class with and i know i'll be mad at current me if i don't continue BUT... ugh its so hard. i'd also be a lot more MaRkEtAbLe if i got a cert or smth. spanish minor... that's a choice to be made after finals though. maybe i should write a blog or two in spanish??? don't make fun of my bad grammar please LOL
i bought (my mom bought, i don't have the money for it bc i'm a broke college student lol) a kindle!! i love reading but books are so heavy and take up so much space plus i'm a very slow reader. i noticed i read a lot faster on the kindle lol. did you know you can check out e books like physical ones from the library?? you can! i just need to find my library card. i'm reading The Hobbit right now. i always wanted to read LOTR and i guess The Hobbit is the best entry point as it sets up characters and stuff. i KNOW if i had the physical book it would take me forever to get through but i'm getting through quite quickly. i'm going to read on the bus and before class i think. exciting!
speaking of exciting... i'm going camping this weekend!! i'm putting a lot of work in to get homework and stuff done before then so it doesn't hang over me while i'm supposed to be celebrating my friend's birthday. next weekend my girl friends are having a sleepover!! i don't have a ton of close friends, and even less of them are girls so i'm super excited lol. it just worked itself out like that and i'm not embarassed about it or anything, but girls just get other girls on a way guys just can't, you know? they also don't have a lot of friends outside their boyfriends (self admitted i'm not making fun LOL) so we're all very jazzed :)
anywho... i hope that my social life doesn't totally disappear this term. my irl friend knows i kind of drop off the face of the earth when i'm in school lol. academics comes first but ugh i wish the school system wasn't like this!! i guess i have to be the teacher that doesn't give homework. oh my god i could write an essay about how bad homework is and how it doens't do what you want it to, especially now when students just get chatgpt to do it for them. quantity > quality of work is not how any other field is asked to work, why do we make CHILDREN do that???? idk its very dumb
OK i wrote too much and i'm tired now. at least my class tomorrow isn't until 4 lol.. vp debate tomorrow night... eugh
life has been pretty boring recently, to be honest. school starts next monday (9/30) though!! i'm excited to get out of the house and do things lol. i was unemployed for the summer, and i'm naturally very much a homebody. i think i have seasonal depression, but in summer as opposed to the usual winter depression. i think that's because there was no structure for me in summer when i was a kid and i'm a person who thrives within routine. that and i was a very anxious girl haha. there really was not and is not anything for children to do for free or very cheap in my town. everything is either a bar, food spots that are too spendy for kids, or a shitty arcade in an equally shitty and slightly dangerous places for kids to be. its frustrating to hear older people say 'go play outside' when 'outside' is a highway lol. i live in an area of my town called the 'triangle' because of how 3 highways make a triangle in the middle of the town!! very silly.
haha anyways... i didn't mean to make this entry a rant on car dependent/young people hating infrastructure!! i like to have my own personal e-soapbox lolol. i could rant at length on a lot of topics!!
outside of having a quite lonely summer, i had a relaxing one too!! i'm going to a 21st birthday party tomorrow and then i'm dog sitting!! its a good transition into school i think. i also got an answer to my knee problems. i haven't written on this here. i've been having knee pain for a while, and it's gotten worse in the last few months. i went to the doctor about it and apparently i have VERY loose joints that need more muscle to keep them in place than average lol. so i have to go to the gym more often and with more intention.. which is good!! i work out decently often but now i'll do it more regularly and focus on my quads :P i'm happy to have an answer that isn't arthritis as well as a solution that isn't surgery or something.
thanks for listening to me yell online!! like i said i'm starting school soon.... i'll be on my computer more so this might actually lead to more frequent updates!! i'm probably going to talk a lot about child development/educational theory. might make a page to infodump because i'm sure that'll get annoying.
ps. i've been getting a lot of warrior cats videos in my yt reccomended... i used to devour those books when i was younger. i might pick them up again!! healing my inner child.. lol
hello!
i was thinking of You (the website) while sitting outside drinking my coffee this morning. not so much about what pages to make or how to change it or anything, just About it. i love having my own corner of the internet that i can only edit only when i'm at my desk and really putting time into it. i have to finalize all my changes in brackets before uploading them to neocities because it's a multi step process to even fix a typo. i love some aspects of the instant nature of social media, but sometimes (most times) it's better to wait. whenever i start a new hobby or project, i tend to throw myself in head first and really only think of that thing for about a week and then never again. unsustainable! i like that, here, i can come and go as i please.
that's not to say i wasn't thinking of what to do with my site. i want to make a button so that people can link back to me!! that might be jumping the gun as i'm quite new but you can't be too prepared. i also want to do a music player and maybe a marquee... i have a test site i mess around on (entirely in brackets live preview lol) so i might rip some stuff from there. maybe a to-do list is in order.
i'm torn as to if i should keep """blogging""" ( i hate using that word for myself, i'm just yelling online) here or if i should link and keep up with bearblog. it would be an outlink and i didn't create it from scratch... hmmm i think i answered my question lol i will not be doing that!!! i like the diy nature of Here. everything else seems inauthentic in comparison.
anyways.. we had some nice, light, classic PNW mist-rain this morning. i saw some VERY fat squirrels running and playing. i think the cooler weather feels good for them too. i'm not a fan of the hot muggy stuff we've been getting recently. i had a nice morning and i hope you did to!
ok! long time no write lol.... i've had a lot happen since i last wrote. first of all, thank you for writing in the guest book!! i didn't think anyone but my friend mr mario (lol) would find and comment so much apppreciated!! as for the site, i plan on updating more often, maybe small stuff though as school starts for me at the end of the month. i'm putting a memorial page for my old doggy up soon. i think it would be sweet.. my Internet Angel haha. i suppose i should also update the about me section with, like, stuff About Me... like favorite music and whatever. and also credits!!! thats a big to do list item, there are so many resources that i've used and i have to give credit where it's due. like most of the css file is from a zonelets theme!! so much to do so little html skill LOL
anyways... i hope and plan on updating with more frequency!! juneberry has not been abandoned!!!
i also went ahead and changed the date on my last entry because it said it was written on july 3 when it was written in august hahaha
hello! first post! i put a few hours into the site and i think it's turning out well. I stayed home all day with my old man dog. it's kind of a downer note to open the site on, but we made the appointment for people to come out and put him to sleep next saturday. we've had him since i was 8 and i'm 21 now, so it's really hitting me hard. to be honest, i think making this is my mind trying to distract me lol. anyway, i think i've convinced my friend to make his own site... which works out well because he can show off the music he makes (wink wink brian please make a site it would be so epic)!!! i've also been reading the bell jar recently but i decided to take a break considering the sad chunk of my life i'm in and the sad everything of the book. the olympics have been very cool so far too. that turkish guy with no special glasses or anything winning silver was so sick!!
can you tell im a massive fan of gifs? LOL
